Uh oh, I can feel it already.  New addiction coming my way.  I am loving this time to let my thoughts flow but for real, this is already the third time today..Yikes!  Anyway, I am thinking of these 2 beautiful little girls that I know...they make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me want to throw my hands up in the air, they make me who I am.  There is one that is 6 years old going on 17... oh my oh my, is she exactly her father... but the funny thing is the more I look at her, the more I listen to her, the more I see me in her too.  It makes my mind do funny things when I think of all the things she is learning from me right now.  Her mind is always going, maybe a lot like mine.. but the one thing I DON'T want to teach her is how to NOT be able to voice your thoughts and feelings.  That's me to a tee.  And I hate it.  I wish it were easier for me to communicate. I wish my mouth and my mind matched.  When one is working the other is asleep, when one is asleep, the other is working...  How do I get the 2 to work together in unison?  Does is take 100 % focus 100% of the time?  My whole mind screams that that will never work!  I can't do it.  But then why say I can't?  Who tells me I can't?  Certainly isn't GOD holding me back, certainly could be myself.  Hmm anyway, that was my mind drifting off in another direction for a minute... back to my 6 year old.  Bethany is full of love & joy.  She has a carefree, fun-loving spirit and adores her little sister Natalie.  I believe that she will always look out for her sweet "sissy".  Bethany is in kindergarten at Kinsey and is scoring very high in her class academically.  She is reading like crazy and just this week lost her very first tooth.  Quite the occasion, I must say.  My ecstatic little girl came running out of church on Wednesday night screaming "Mommy, I lost my tooth!!!!" and then quickly showed me the tiny tooth nestled in the bottom of the sandwich bag...  I was almost as excited as she was.  Why?  I'm not way sure, I just think that it means that she is changing and growing and I gotta try to keep up with her.  I want so desperately to be a good mom to her and I freak myself out thinking about how hard it will be for the next 12-14 years..  anyway, on to my sweet baby .. my 3 *almost 4* year old baby.  Natalie is beautiful like her sister but in her own way.  Her big blue eyes just glint with mischief and often times I can see her mind whirling behind those pretty orbs of Natalie juice.  Quite the profound statement there wasn't it.  I'm not sure where it came from and I stopped and thought about it for a bit before I decided to leave it ..  it just works.  She has a fantastic sense of humor and loves playing mommy.  I believe she will make a wonderful mommy someday.  She is so sweet and gentle and loves giving soft kisses to sweet baby cheeks.  She has some little buddies that she thoroughly enjoys.  In Natalie's life one of the most important is a sweet little man name Aidyn.  They are best buds and call each other "boyfriend & girlfriend"... a little odd... maybe.  questionable...hmm, no, I think they just enjoy each other's company, one is a boy & one is a girl and the boy and the girl together are friends.  Sweet Natalie is going to be  turning 4 years old in only 10 days.  I seriously can't believe she is that old already.  I've always scoffed a little in my mind when people would say.. "Oooo, the time goes so fast... enjoy it!" ... Now I totally know what that means.  Well my computer is warning me that I have only a few minutes to safely use it before the battery will die... so before I lose everything I've typed here because it wasn't saved and the computer turns off, I am going to check out...  but no worries, I will most likely be back soon.

So I don't know for sure about this whole blogging thing. Like is it supposed to be an online "journal"... or like facebook where everyone just tells what's happening on the outside... and once in a great while a tidbit of something that really matters?  I don't know and I'm not sure at the moment that I really care.  I was told by someone very dear to me that I should start a blog...and type out my thoughts..  again, many times it may be just random thoughts from my brain that want to be processed... other times it may be a mask... this is more for me to determine myself which are masks and which is real.. the real Michelle.
Hmm, be back later.  Gotta get my precious babies out of the bathtub and ready for bed.

Things I've always wanted to say but never could get my mouth to say the words.

1. Dad, I miss you.  Thank you for loving me despite all the trash I've done.
2. Russ, I miss you.  My heart aches to feel your love.
3. Mom, I know being a mom wasn't as easy as I figured it might have been and now I understand..
4. Savior, THANK YOU for dying for my sins.. for taking away all the guilt and shame and hurt that this cruel world savors.
5. Michelle, it's time to grow up... Michelle you ARE an adult, even though you don't feel like it..
6. Little sister Leah, how I wish we had a chance to meet and know each other.  I love having one sister that I can turn to for support and encouragement... would it have been the same if there were 3 of us?
7. If you don't quit you win.
8. I've always felt like a failure.
9. I can't love appropriately if I can't love myself.
10. People define you by your struggles, God defines you by the cry of your heart.
11. I've learned that every time I swallow really hard, that is my first indication that I am "stuffing" my feelings...
12. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear.

These are just a few of the places my mind goes ...  until next time.