Guess who's back?!  Yay!  It's quiet time in our house for a little while.  A rest and a little peace in our nice clean house.  All morning the girls and I cleaned house.  They were fabulous little helpers.  I did have to be Miss Hannigan... then I could get the girls to be Annie & Molly.  Haven't seen the movie "Annie"?  Watch it.  It is a favorite in our house.  Bethany and Natalie act it out daily.  Whether it be a song or a dog named Sandy, Bethany Annie sitting in the window sill singing "bet they collect things like ash trays & art..." and Natalie Molly crying for Annie to save her from her nightmare.  These are things that make me smile..... anyway, this is how we got the house cleaned :)  Do what ya gotta do I guess... and have a little fun in the meantime :)  So that was our morning.  The rest of the day holds who knows what!!
It has kinda been a while since I've been on here, huh?  Been busy I guess.  My mind has again been in so so many places.  So many questions, so many memories... so much.  I guess something I did was quite relevant in my week.  A day off!  Yep!  I took Thursday off and went to Sioux City to do a little shopping... alone.  It was so refreshing.  Had a little quiet God time on my drive there, that alone relaxes me!  Then a little shopping fun.  I had a blast finding matching outfits for the girls... Kinda lame maybe, but they look so cute AND there's no fighting or tears when it comes to having their own clothes.  One of my favorites is for Bethany a bright purple (twirly) skirt with a white tank and denim jacket... Natalie's skirt is bright pink.... but they match...love it!  They also may be seen wearing identical polka dot dresses :)  I bought a book for myself from the Family Christian Bookstore called "Becoming Fearless".  It's written by Michelle Aguilar (winner of Season 6 Biggest Loser)... when I read the foreward I thought she had taken some of the thoughts out of my head... when I started reading the book, I was SURE she had taken the thoughts from my head.  I'm not very far in it yet, but I love it.  It is basically about a person's on-going journey of learning to trust God.  Something I've really got to work on.  I feel like on some days my full trust is in Him and He can do absolutely anything.  Great miracles even.... then the next day my mind is again certain that I can do this all on my own... life, I mean.  Usually within the first few hours of the day I realize that it's simply not working... and I can either continue on with the day as it is or change my attitude.  Ever notice that the worse your attitude the harder it is to turn it around?  Sometimes I feel like it's one thing after another and then old "junk" piles on top, and by the end of the day I'm angry and bitter... but those days are simply exhausting.  I am trying so hard to not have those days anymore... I know everyone's got them once in a while, but it's better to have as FEW as possible... That's kind of what I've figured out anyway :)
I guess I don't have much more rolling around in my head at the moment.  Guess maybe a little nap for the mommy is okay too?  Yes?  okay!
Peace.

Good Day... Gooooood DAY.  Aaaaah, so far, this day has been so awesome...like super awesome.  First of all, I actually got up on time this morning.... sometimes I push snooze far too many times on my alarm... but this morning I got up after only 2 snoozes.  Yay me!  Showered and got myself ready for the day and THEN woke up the girls.  There were actually a few giggles this morning which is so not like my grumpy little morning bugs.  They're okay if they wake up on their own but when I have to wake them up to get ready...baaaaaaaaaah, it's not really that fun!  So anyway, after their baths and breakfast, it was time to head out the door.  There was hardly any drama.. it was wonderful.  Dropped the girls off and headed to work... on time.  Yessssssss, accomplishment!  The day started out with a "Praying for you.  Love You!" email, so really, how can you go wrong with that?  The next few hours were spent in a fantastically FUN staff (informative) meeting.  Many areas of our company were covered and surprisingly I actually enjoyed a few of them :)... then it was lunch time.  Bummed around and got some bills paid...and then I was actually early back to work from lunch.  Who does that??   2 thumbs pointed back at me "This Girl"!  Very relaxed, calm day today.  No big issues, outages, complaints or drama... and then the day is over ... the WORK day is over, I should say... well, hmm, kinda... but not really.. anyway, it's Tuesday so I got to meet with my "Tuesday night ladies"... you know what's funny?  when I first started meeting with these ladies, I was a little withdrawn.  I mean there were definite outward hurts that needed to be dealt with and talked about, but when I think about where our group has come from and where we are now..... let's put it this way:  MIND-BLOWINGLY AWESOME!  How's that?  I would never in a million years been friends with these girls had it not been for our common "stuff".  We've definitely been through tough times and happy times together.  I have come to love and appreciate each one for what they've taught me... about life, about myself.  I think we have a bond that won't quickly be broken.  I love you girls!!
Anyway, our time together was of course amazing and as always, totally worth it. 
After we were finished, I picked up the girls from our sitter (yep, still my favorite :) and when I arrived home, I saw our house surrounded by what looked like a pasture of grass waving in the wind.  How did this happen?  I swear the lawn grew 4 inches today.  Sheesh!  So the girls played outside for an hour while I mowed the whole miserable lawn.  I normally like mowing because I'm actually quite good at it, if I may say so.  I learned the tricks of the trade when I worked for my brother with his Lawn Service/Landscaping business back when I was in high school (many moons ago)... but the grass was so blasted long that I think I stalled the mower like 4 or 5 times.  Awesome.  Oh well, I sweat (ed?) -- I should really find out which is the correct way to spell sweat (ed?).. this is the 2nd time I've had to do this spelling in one day --could someone please tell me if plural for sweat is sweated or sweat? -- and finally got the entire lawn mowed.  Then it was already after 8 and the girls needed baths and bed.  So roll them into the house and get them cleaned up and in pajamas.... what do you want for a bedtime snack?  Normally it's a bowl of ice cream or a plate of tortilla chips with some melted cheese over top (I know, it's not the healthiest of bed time snacks... but ice cream is what I had as a kid :) but tonight they wanted strawberries and dip.... mmm, just realized I never mentioned my crazy awesome fruit dip I made... yep, all you gotta do is mix a 8 oz cream cheese with a jar of marshmallow creme, put in a few drops of red food coloring and you've the most amazing tasting fruit dip you could ever imagine.  So simple, yet so divine. (by the way, the food coloring is not for taste, just for color :)  So that's what we had for bedtime snack.  The 3 of us on the living room floor with strawberries and dip between us.  Bethany what did you learn at school today?  The number 8.  Cool!  How about if you show me your papers from school... okay.  Every single one had a star, a sticker, a GREAT, or an AMAZING on it.  I am so proud of this kid.  She amazes me.  She is so bright.  We ran over some words and math and then it was time to close up the strawberry shop...  bedtime for my babies.  Tucked into bed, prayers are said, I love you mommy, I love you too.
See?  I told you it was a good day!
Peace.

I had "one of those days" again.  Does anyone really know what that means?  I think most of us have "one of those days" once in a while right?  Probably more than we even care to admit.  I know I have a lot more than I care to admit to.  "One of those days" to me means, ugggh, there were definite downer moments throughout the day.  But I guess I'm beginning to realize that even those "downer" moments/hours can quickly be put to a halt when you're beginning to believe in yourself. Even if it's just a tiny bit..I can say that I AM beginning to do just that.  Those downer moments throughout the day become (at the end of the day) just a bump in the road.  It's who you look to for help and encouragement & your attitude (or I should really say MY attitude)..that will determine what those "downer" moments will become... moments or days.  I know from personal experience that downer DAYS are much worse than downer moments.  I also know from personal experience that God is bigger than me and he can lift me right on out of those downer moments and make a GREAT day out of today.
I know it's been a while since I've last posted... actually since last Thursday after Harp & Bowl.. yep, still love it.. but I've been finding it really hard to sit down on the weekends and actually do this. ...
This past weekend, for example, I think I sweated off like 10 pounds.  We cleaned house AND played like crazy.  Shell hunting at Sandy Hollow, Scooter & Bike rides, Pictures, Gymnastics, Swinging, Pedicures & Foot Baths, Lotion & Popcorn, Movies, Painting Pictures, Playing Barbies... so many activities.. :)  After this weekend I'm ready for a day of to just sleep!  But apparently that is not going to be the case for me... today was long.  Once the kiddos were off to school & daycare, my day begins again.  My work day.  I love my girls at work.  We have shared some pretty crazy/sad/funny moments together in the last months and years.  I seriously can't believe I will have been there a full 7 years as of May 9.  I really do like my job.  I can't say I've ever dreaded going to work.  Some days are crazy, some days are painful, some days are fun.  But the fact that I have people I can count on right there with me on the painful and crazy days make the fun days even better.  Throughout the day there were ups and downs.  Emotionally I kind of rode a roller coaster today.  Devastated and torn down one minute and then the next, built up and full of hope.  Another one of those God things I think.  Those people that are placed in my life at the right moment in time are definite "God things".  I like it :)
Tonight I met my mom, sister, & brother out at my grandpa's place a few miles outside of town.  The crazy old guy (don't worry, I love him) is finally moving to town.  Well apparently after 35 years of living in one place, possessions seem to pile up.  OMG!!! 
Quite the memories were brought back after going through the box of toys (they were antique when we played with them... they are now ANCIENT :).  Sunday nights with our cousins.. racing pickup trucks down the hallway, having girl time locked in the bathroom, reading books out of grandma's huge old Avon bag full of books, lunch of cheese sandwiches and cookies, kisses from Grandma and a piece of candy out of the special candy bowl before leaving for the night.  Memories that I hold dear.  It was odd being there again.. especially without Grandma there.  I know she's been gone for a couple of years already but she was such a goofy sweet lady... I will never forget her.  I still smile when I think of and picture her sweet soft face.
Anyway, after we were there for a few hours we decided to get some supper.  It was fantastic.  Even though there were 6 children to our 3 adults, we did well :) .. Mac & Cheese, Chicken Nuggets & Fries...mommy, can we get our ice cream now?  There is no sitting still and no silence.  Instead giggling, whispers, and just a teensy bit of whining... but it was all good.  The girls are sleeping now and I'm almost ready.  In fact my eyes are getting a little droopy and I think a good long night of sleep sounds just about perfect right now.  Yep, sounds good.  Peace.

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me... Oh I so totally have that song in my head... thanks Harp & Bowl!!  Haven't been there?  GO! 
So a long time ago (like several years), I thought I would try out Harp and Bowl.  I didn't really know what it was all about and the first time I went, I really wasn't all that impressed.  Most likely because I was basically there to see who was there and what it was.  BUT, this time around, oh mylanta, what a HUGE blessing it has been to me.  There are some nights that I go there and pray and pray for God to come and show Himself to me... and sometimes it takes almost the whole 2 hours and sometimes it takes seconds, but it has now become one of the very most important things to me in my whole week.  I need it. I need it every week.  I love it more than words can describe.  The friends I've met, the love I've felt, the tears I've cried... it all sits and molds itself to my soul...  If I could describe what it has meant to me, I would.. but unfortunately I can't.  It's beyond words.  So my marketing for the day is done... again.. haven't been to harp & bowl??   I will see you next week Thursday at 1st Ref. Church in Sioux Center.
So my day... hmm, quite the day!  After my yester"day" I had a lot of things on my mind and a lot to try to figure out.  Remember my "special" meeting?  Yeah.. uh, just about more than I could handle.  Gained a bit of a new perspective on a few things.  I don't think I necessarily WANTED a different perspective... but that is indeed what I got.  That perspective carried through to today.  Scary, but my mind is running.  Many times throughout the day I would begin to see the "old" perspective and want to RUN back to it for fear that I'm doing the wrong thing.  But God just "happened" to put the right people in the right spot at the right time all throughout my day.  Pretty awesome when I stop to think about it now.  I am SURE that I got frustrated as I was going through those spots but now I can see the whole picture.  All I can say is 'AWESOME'..  mmhmmm, awesome!
Okay, well, that's all I got for now.  Brain is quickly slipping into "exhausted" mode..
Peace. (that's my little tag.. do you like it? :)

Fortunately or unfortunately I'm back.  I'm stuck right now.  Stuck between being who I need to be and what I'm expected to be.  Uggggh, what a frustrating couple of days.  Lost in the world, trying to keep track of and please everyone around me.  Why oh why do I do this?  I can get lost so quickly.  My mind tells me over and over to do what they say, do what he says, do what she says.. but what about me?  What about how I feel?  What about where my mind is?  Am I good person or a bad person?  I hear both sides.  Encouragement from people who have no reason to be there except that they care..., "I need to change this and that and that" from the other side.  Who am I?  Who am I supposed to be?  Where am I supposed to be?  Questions that quickly flee my mind because they terrify me.  I tiptoe around those questions, I don't know if I don't dare to figure them out or I simply don't know. 
Wow, that was deep.  Sorry, I kind of got in the zone there for a bit... so anyway, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself because of the past not so awesome days, but instead, pick myself up again and keep walking forward. -- just figured something out... that top paragraph was just ended abruptly... anyone notice that?  I didn't even dare to go further than ask myself those questions.  I run in my mind so fast away from those questions.  Why am I so afraid of them?  Hmmm, I think it's because I don't have enough faith in myself to see to it that I answer them.  If I don't ever answer those questions then nothing has to change.  I dread and fear and loathe change.  I am so so bad at change that it makes me ill when I think about it.  I don't dare to look ahead to the future.  It scares me.  I'm afraid for my beautiful daughters.  All the hate, sadness and judging... so much has already changed...and it's been dragging me along.  I fight it, I want it to go away.  I want normal....okay so that's something I need to work on then, huh?  Alright, new goal:  learn to be okay with change.  I wonder when I will be able to check that off my list?  Certainly not this past weekend... man I can freak out so fast.  So we had Natalie's birthday party on Saturday night in Sioux Falls.  We took her and a few of her sweet sweet little friends to Chuck E Cheese.  We met some of my family, nieces, nephews, a friend or 2 there around 5:00.  Okay, so I figured I would probably get a little stressed out looking out for a 3 year old and two 4 year olds.. but it actually went pretty well at Chuck E Cheese.  We had a blast and so did the kids... then at 7:00 we were to meet at Pizza Ranch on 41st St in a party room for supper... Sounds awesome right?  We get to Pizza Ranch and there's a line of people out the door.  Hmm, okay, stand in line for a bit, see if I can figure out what's going on...well, maybe since we have a Party Room I can just skip up to the front of the line and check....so I did, all the while forgetting to communicate what I'm doing...ooops.  Ask the girl.."can we go to the Party Room..." for who?  should be under Huisman.  No?  Hmm, that's odd.  I'm sweating.  Seriously?  I've got a bunch of starving little people here!!  Get the manager... oh, let me look in the OTHER party book... really?  REALLY? Uggggh, wait for him to walk back to get the book and walk back to the front..hmm, was it under "Natalie's birthday party?"... Aggggh, YES!  Phew!!  Okay, so back in line... it took an eternity!!  I'm stressing a bit.  Still sweating.  Finally we get the meals paid for and we head to the Party Room.  I'm frazzled, I'm hot, I kind of just want to go home....but the kids are having so much fun.  Their smiles and giggles and squeals were enough for me to wipe off frazzled face and smile instead.  I don't really think I did all that awesome of a job at it, but I did try.  Presents opened, candles blown out, blue frosting face, yawns beginning to start.  Get packed up.  Fasten in our cute sweet still very excited passengers...  On the interstate, 2 minutes...mommy, Kendra is sleeping... 2 minutes.  It was AMAZING...  Sure enough Kendra was out like a light.  Aidyn and Natalie are still giggling in the middle... "let's pretend we're going to sleep!" ... fake snores .. 30 seconds.....  REAL SNORES... Seriously not more than 5 minutes out of SF Aidyn was out too.. It was too cute.  We had really wiped them out!  Awesome!! At least I knew they had had fun.  That's all I cared about...
Okay, so wow, this is getting long and I'm getting tired.  I guess I can figure more out tomorrow.  I get a special visit to a special friend tomorrow and she always gets me thinking, so who knows what I might have tomorrow... suspense right? :)

Well, here I am.  I totally meant to get on here yesterday, but my night got away from me.  I watched a couple episodes of "New Girl".... LOVE it!.. haven't seen it?...watch it.  Funny stuff.   ....then was wiped out and ready for bed.  It was a good day for me.   For sure better than Monday.  I woke up Tues. morning refreshed and ready for a new day. I knew I had an apology to make to someone so I took care of that.  That helped my attitude even more.  And then of course there's always my Tuesday night ladies to get excited about.  Good night, yummy snacks, growing friendships... awesome.  Picked up the girls from sitters (our new best sitter ever and no one can steal her)..and no, I'm not telling who it is.  Enjoyed some play time and bible story time with them before bed... tucked them in and out they were..
And today was just a good day all around too.  Chatted with a friend or two or three....got my brain wheels turning at work, lots of laughs, sweet texts XOXO, time with my girls, a yummy supper from a great friend and even some time remembering my dad.  The sky was so clear and blue this evening that I felt like I could look up and almost see heaven on the other side.  And my dad was there.
The weather reminds me of how he would be at this time of year....ready for another long planting season, excited to enjoy being outside, working long hours and napping on the living room floor under his old green and white checkered blanket.  I can still see his smile, his laughing face, his (at times) scruffy beard :)  He worked so hard.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  I would have appreciated him so much more.  I miss him like crazy.  Sometimes I go out to the cemetery just so I can see my name on his gravestone.  I think of how lucky I was to have been his daughter.  He wasn't perfect.  I'm not either.  But my dad will always and forever have a ir-refillable (I don't think that's a word, but I like it) place in my heart.  Forever.
Peace.

Can anyone say sucky day?  I can I can.  Wow, there are some days that God is really trying to tell me something big and when you're me, you fight as hard as you can to ignore it.  Not that I plan on doing that but there's something inside of me that says "NO! I can do this on my own, I can fix this, I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone!!"  and at the same time my heart is yearning for love, acceptance and forgiveness.  Why oh why do I let myself get here? My heart feels empty.  I can't even get myself to enjoy the things in life that give me real pleasure.  I don't want pity.  I want for it all to just be "fixed".  Satan keeps running around inside my head telling me that I'm so not worth it. And you know what I do?? I believe that little snake.  I get into this miserable slump that I can't get out of and believe every single lie that I'm told... doesn't matter by who...I just believe it.  I'm not good at being a mom, I'm not good at being a wife, I'm not good at my job, I'm not good at being a friend, a sister, a daughter... I take every little thing I hear personally and I allow it to stab my heart.  I allow that wound to stay, I don't want it to heal.  I know misery personally, so why not just keep it around?  Why not make everyone around me miserable too... that way I don't have to be alone in misery.  Where am I?  where is the real Michelle?  She feels so lost and distant to me today. I even spent time in the "throne" room today (inside secret :)... hoping and praying that my day would just turn around.... and instead it just got worse. Nothing could make me happy.  all I wanted was for someone to say "you know what?, you're going to be okay, you're going to get through this, you are not alone...." and pssssha, I actually DID have that... several times from more than one person... and yet, that's not what I hold on to..I hold on to the CRAP that makes me feel bad instead.  My mind is my own personal devil.  Lord, please fill my mind and heart with YOUR love and spirit instead of this ugly snake that drags me down.
Peace.

I'm having coffee for lunch.  Yep, I am.  I am exhausted.  My brain is so tired.  I know I haven't been getting enough sleep this week but I've been so not wanting to go to bed!  If my body could feel just as good on 5 1/2 hours of sleep as it does on 8 hours of sleep, I would so be in good shape... but apparently it's doesn't.. bummer :(  I am super glad that the weekend is almost here though.  My sweet sister in law Leah and her honey are coming to see us tonight.  Looking forward to catching up with them.  Not sure when they will get here but it just might be another late night :) .. oh well, at least it's Saturday tomorrow so I should be able to sleep in until at least 7:00... if I'm super super lucky it might be 8 :)... Hmm, let's see.  Finally got our taxes done today... cutting it a little closer to the deadline than normal this year... usually we have it done in february already... oh well, at least it was worth the wait...  way to go federal gov't!! :)  Maybe I will be able to get something special just for me this year... I really want to get some new glasses.  some of you know that I kind of have a fetish for glasses...well, I think for the cost that I can get them, I am allowed :)  zennioptical.com sells glasses (frames/prescriptions..everything) for as little as $8/pair... kinda fun to be able to get matching glasses for my clothes. :)  I haven't gotten any new ones for over a year, so I think it's time to do some updating :) 
Well, my lunch hour is quickly running away from me, so I better stop and let my brain rest a little before I go back to work...if I don't I might fall asleep at my desk this afternoon.  :)
Peace.

Blaaaaa, I think these gray hairs on my head could just as well be blonde.. Uggh, I hate having things wrong... and I will probably beat myself up for it all day... I was supposed to have an appointment at (apparently) 11 this morning... and when I showed up for it at 1:00 thinking I was right on time, and found out that i was wrong....BOOOOOOO!  Oh well, guess it gives me a little extra time over my lunch break to arrange my thoughts then... I'm down with that!
Turned in my application for Ya-tec today... and I decided to not be nervous about it for now.  I mean really, it's like 2 1/2 months away, why worry about it now?!  Maybe by then I will just be excited and not nervous... whoot whoot! :)
Oh yeah, there was something cute that I did want to share... don't tell the cops though :) .. once in a GREAT while I will let one or both of the girls sit in the front seat in the van (when we only have to go a VERY short distance) and I've trained them to "duck" when I say to...  If this makes me a bad mom, I'm sorry... but the other day Natalie was having her turn in the front and she says 'Mommy, be sure and tell me when I have to dunk"... I couldn't contain myself... I said.. uuh, what did you say? ... I just wanted to hear it again... "be sure if you see a police man that you tell me to dunk"....Hahahahahaha, I giggled inside for a good 10 minutes.  It was so cute.  Happy heart.

So I don't know what you people think of Chinese food, but yesterday, since I was having a blah day, I thought maybe Crab Ragoons from Bamboo Garden would cheer me up.  My friend Kim went there for lunch and picked some up for me on her way back... Ummm, YUMMMMMMMMMMMM!  Favorite thing in the world!!  I think I could seriously eat them every day!

I think that's it for now.. my day is going good.  Miss emailing my "dorky" (her own words :) friend, and am bummed that there's no Harp & Bowl tonigh but I am going to survive those things :)  Got to see my sis and 2 nieces and tonight we are going to church... hoping for some good music, enlightenment and joy in the fact that I am loved by the Saviour that gave up His life for me.  Peace.

I am such a nerd.  I get this blank white page in front of me and I just want to fill it up.  Why do I love this so much?  This is just so different for me that it makes my mind a little crazy.  I think about what I'm going to put in it way too many times throughout the day..hehe, dorky.. but it's okay, I have a dorky friend too :)  Anyway, kind of a bummer day for me.  Had a hard time remembering today that I am loved... but then I realized that God put some pretty cool people in my life today just so I could be reminded...that's pretty awesome.  What has been kind of a crappy day has turned out okay.  At the end of the day, when I sit down and think about it there were more blessings than bad things.  Pssshh, I'm pretty lucky!  Aaah, finally I got my attitude to change!  Yay!
On with the day.. so my precious angels that I love so very much....were waiting patiently for me to pick them up from daycare after I got off of work tonight.  I do so love their little happy screams "MOMMY" when I get there.  That makes my heart happy.  But my eldest love had a bit of an issue with a few of the neighbor kids...  anybody else's kid punch someone in the stomach?  I couldn't believe it...and then I could.  My sweet Bethany can go a little crazy sometimes.  I wonder many times how I am ever going to reign this child in.. she is drama QUEEN for sure.. loves acting and dancing and singing... which I love and admire her for, but MAN can she be naughty!  And I find myself thinking, what part did I have in that?  Did I not teach her well or right?  Anybody got any advice on this one?  She loves me, I know that, but when you hear your child screaming "You're the worst mom in the world", because she's being punished, man, it just stabs my heart.  Wow, anyone else realize how hard being a mom really is?  I had absolutely NO idea that it would be THIS hard.  I never for a second thought that adulthood and responsibility would be like this.  I will never EVER again judge my parents on the way I was raised... it is TOUGH!  Sometimes you just have to do the best you can with what you got and find a way to be blessed through it.  Of course, after her tantrum was over, she comes down from her room and mumbles that she is sorry...I'm still pretty upset.  I know she's just saying that so she can go on with her day.. I sit her down on my lap on the couch and I ask her how she thinks it makes mommy feel when she says something like that... "Very very sad" she replies... how true it is.
Okay, it's a short one, but I think that's all for now.  Peace.

Wow, what a day.  My mind has been so many places!  From my girls, to my work, to my marriage, to my friends, to babies, to teachers and school, to customers and mentors, to dishes, to gymnastics, to bikes for little girls, and birthday parties, dentist, neighbors, to blogging, to facebook, to family, to God, to life...my goodness, no wonder I'm exhausted!  Seriously, this is like a quarter of everything I thought about today.  I feel like my mind is opening up and flowering... kind of like my super awesome tree out my back door at home.  It is beginning to flower it's pale pink flowers, but only half of them are open...the rest of them are a deep wine color and are still tightly closed.  I'm thinking by the end of this week it will be completely blooming...it only lasts for such a small amount of time so I have to enjoy every bit of it...even the anticipation of it :).. anyway, that was a little off-track but you get what I'm saying..  For real, though, I feel like in the last few days since I've started blogging my mind WANTS to think about as many things as possible so that I can put it all into words later.  It's so weird for me.. it's like my mind has been turned off for such a long time... and I've activated SOMETHING in my brain that makes me want to think... YIKES!!  Kinda weird.  Probably for you.  Not for me.  I feel like I'm coming alive.  I'm sad sometimes, and angry and hurt, but I feel like maybe God is pouring His love out on me like a mighty wave because lately I'm beginning to feel more fulfilled by things NOT of this world instead of everything that's in it....And of course I have people to thank for this... there have been some pretty amazing people that have come up beside me and been praying for me and encouraging me daily, and not giving up on me...  I'm pretty blessed.  Life may not be what I want it to be exactly right now but I am beginning to believe that through every trial in life, God opens the windows of His heart and pours out His love on us and shows us things we never would have seen had it not been for that trial.  Thank you Lord for beginning a good work in me.

So I have this little devotional that I got from one of my super sweet Sunday School kids at Christmas time called "Jesus Calling"... and ever since I started reading it every morning the minute I get up...I've felt like the words in each day's devo was written perfectly and exactly for me.. for example today I read the line "Your capacity to experience Me is increasing, through My removal of debris & clutter from your heart.  As your yearning for me increases, other desires are gradually lessening.  Since I am infinite and abundantly accessible to you, desiring Me above all else is the best way to live."...  all i can say is awesome.  Just right, exactly what I needed to hear... a little reassurance from His mouth to me... awesome.  If you don't have this devotional... get it.  today.

Okay, so I just have to tell you about the AMAZING little treat I got to have tonight with some friends... super duper cute.  Tiny little angel food cakes topped with fresh strawberries mixed in coolwhip... simple?  yep.. awesome?  YEP!!  You totally want that now don't you...ha ha ha.

So I've decided to work a Yatec.  I've been THROUGH but never worked one...for those of you who know what YATEC is... then maybe you think it would be fun... for me, I'm terrified.  I hate not knowing what to expect, not being in control, not knowing what's going on, what I may have to share or hide or leave behind...scary for me... but I'm going to do it none-the-less...  I figure I'll never know what may or may not have happened if I never try it...I think that may go for a lot of other things in my life that I've always stood back from and never tried because of what other people might say or think too.  Oh dear, what have I gotten my mind into now?  I'm not sure I want to go there... I mean, if I did, I would have to think of all the things I could be doing... uh-oh... done thinking about that now... not ready yet...  back to Yatec... I tend to freak myself out about stuff (especially social stuff), that's why I'm scared... I mean, if I didn't have to I wouldn't go anywhere alone.  I dislike being the only thing that people can look at because that means that they would HAVE to look at me... for example, if I had one or both of my daughters with me..people would quicker look at one of them than me... I'd prefer that.  Is that shy or lacking in self confidence?...  I'll go with lacking in self confidence...  Hmm, that's interesting.. I never thought of that before.. I mean that I'd rather not be alone because I don't want people looking at me.. different.  I guess that means that I don't want to be noticed.. normally I would feel sorry for people that seemed to not want to be noticed... but I don't feel sorry for me right now.  How crazy to let what other people think or say make me feel bad.  I'm not living for them... I'm living for HIM!
Okay, that was pretty deep for me... I'm going to bed.  Peace.

So excited today.  I'm not sure why... maybe it's all the coffee I've had this morning... Ooops!  My normal one cup of coffee turned into almost 4 today... what's the deal?!  Oh well, I'm sure I will *CRASH AND BURN* later!!  So I was at work this morning and the song "He makes Beautiful Things" came on and I just felt a little bit of reassurance in it.  I love how God is beginning to weave His way into my life and I can feel His presence through small things like music.
I'm also excited for my "meeting" tonight.  I have this great group of girls that I meet with every week and over the course of the past 6 months have really grown to love and appreciate these ladies.  They're the kind that have "been there, done that" girls, and I love being able to relate and share thoughts and feelings with them...  LOVE YOU GIRLS!!
Hmmm, what else... let's see, I thought I had stuff to think about... hmmm, c'mon brain!!  You've got all kinds of "stuff" in there... let's see what it's all about!!  Nope, nothing.  grrrr!  Coffee brain has taken over... gonna have to try this again later.... don't worry about reading this blog .. there's not much in it... wait a minute.  There kind of is!  God & Friends... AWESOME!!  Peace.

Okay, so I guess I'm back again today.  Just couldn't keep my mind off what I wanted to think about next..So after church this morning, the girls and I went to my mom's for lunch.  The girls are always excited to play with their cousins.  I'm excited for food and family. Ugggh, I'm being bothered right now.  My mind just went on a little vacation...I like to have my silence for typing and I don't have it right now.  SHOOT!  Hmm, okay let's see here.. so we went to my mom's for lunch.  Older bro, younger sis & their families, 2 younger brothers.. and Erin :)  Oldest bro is in Jamaica... boy do I feel sorry for them!!  Burgers, hotdogs, baked beans, chips, fresh veggies w/ dip and fresh fruit.  Yummm, doesn't get much better than that!  Not too much drama between the cousins today, that's always good.  Sometimes those sweet sweet girls can be a little catty!  Love them though... I love looking at them and seeing my sibling in their eyes.  Abby's freckles, Kaylen's smile...  It was good family time.
Then it was nap time... ooooo yes, how I love that time of day... a little quiet time to rest my mind...haha, and then I decided to blog...  Ooops, oh well, I got about 20 minutes of nap before Natalie woke up.  Little bit of outside playtime then we made some sandwiches and headed out to try our luck at fishing.  Sandy Hollow welcomed us .. a little dirtily I might add.. sucks that it's such a mess out there :( ... but that's beside the point.  A wonderful friend and her daughter met us out there for a little girl catch up time..  and fishing.. :)  Have I mentioned that I love fishing.  Kinda geeky and gross but it makes me happy...  After a few snags and 1 reeled in bass, a lot of little girls sand pizzas made and some girl talk completed, we said good bye and headed home.  2 very dirty little girls immediately jumped in the bathtub... scrubby sudsy sweet little girls.  Momma look, I can pour the cup of water over my head and not even close my eyes... "That's awesome Natalie!"...  Happy heart again.  Hugs, kisses, tucked in tight... my sweet baby girls are out for the night...

Today has been another of those "I've been thinking.." wait!  Why not just blog it?  And again, I got excited.. surely this feeling will wear off...I mean really, blogging gets me excited?...sheesh!  Oh well, it makes me feel good, so I'm going to have to be okay with that :)  So today started early.  The girls had to be at church at 8:45 to practice for their Palm Sunday program.  I, as one of the Primary Sunday School teachers had to be there then, too.  I don't understand how some of these blessed children can have so much energy on a Sunday morning.  I mean, this is the last day of my weekend kiddos, let's relax a little!!  No such luck :)  Being the Train Engine to lead my sweet ones upstairs to practice on the stage... a miracle in itself that there were no trips on the stairs, no pushes & pokes from our little friends... we made it...I was getting hot.  Arranging them on the steps in the front of the sanctuary.. another feat.  Now look at Lisa!  Louder...!  Look at me..!  Stand still....! Louder....!  Now I'm really getting hot...  a little bit of sw eat begins to build on my forehead...oh quick go sit by Parker...he's going to walk away...Oh they sang beautifully.  Their little voices raised singing "Hosanna, Hosanna, for Christ the Lord is King!"  My heart feels happy.  I watch my Natalie do the actions for the next song..a little behind but is doing them right.. happier heart.  Bethany is smiling and singing with her friends.  I'm hot, but I'm happy.  Okay, practice is over, let's do our "train" back to our rooms...stay in line, no running, sssshhh....another feat..yes it was.  Finally back to our room...let's make a crown!  Natalie has to go potty...aaah, okay, off to the bathroom...it takes forever!!  As she's sitting on the potty, she says "Mom, you still out there?"  I say, "Yep".. she says "Okay"...that's it, nothing else...I guess it means that I matter...It made HER happy. Back to our room... let's work on our crowns... 10 second break to grab a swig of coffee....aaaah, oh the kids need help stapling their crowns together... back to it.... okay let's finish up our crowns, it's time to head upstairs again ... this time with our Palm Branches.  One more time, we do our train.... I carry the long stemmed palm branches carefully at the front of the train.  At the top of the steps, we stop.. we wait, we wait for the right time...here it comes! .. okay, hand everyone their Palm branches.... ready, everyone have one?  okay, let's go... shyly, timidly they each come forward with their Palm Branches and begin their walk down the aisle.  4 of them are heading down, next, Jaiden.  Doesn't want to carry her palm branch...I grab it for her.  Next thing I know, her little hand is in mine and she is pulling me down the aisle...with her palm branch... okay, I walk up with her...I start getting the kids arranged on the steps...I start to gather their Palm branches...okay, I have them all.  Here we go kids...again, they're little voices are raised and their smiles are sweet.  All of them are singing.  Even my littlest one!  I was so proud.  All this sweat is paid off right now.  (I mean seriously I WAS sweating the whole time!).. Perfect.  They couldn't have done any better..Aaah finally a little break...the kids head down to Children in Worship.  I return Jaiden and Parker to their mom and dad...then turn and walk out... gotta get this sweat wiped off!  Okay, better get my lesson ready to go..Uuuuuh, I thought I was getting a break??  Hmmm, change of plans.. (who says I can't fly by the seat of my pants on occasion?)  I run to walmart... pick up some yellow paper cups, some easter grass and a couple bags of candy....easter baskets won't be hard!...  Oh my oh my, might as well have done the lesson...No helper .. just me in a room with 12 three & four year olds...what am I doing?  Okay, break it down, let's get this done...Okay, let's talk about Palm Sunday!!  Here's what we're going to do...instructions:  color picture, THEN do our easter baskets. they should color pretty quickly because they're excited about the aspect of candy.  "I'm done!"  2 minutes.... really?  you're done?  I think you could color this and this and that yet... "Okay".... color color color,  "Done!"... alright then, let's finish up our coloring pages...  okay, breaking out the yellow cups.  Maci always sits so sweetly and quietly... "Wanna be my helper?"... yep..good deal.  Maci and Annika pass out the cups... next comes the easter grass...stuff it in the cup...yeah, like that... oh maybe a little more, aaah okay, grass is in...next come the easter eggs!  Pass them out.. they drop into their little nests like real robin eggs.  Next are Dum Dums and 2 chocolate candies.  Can we eat some?  Of course they would ask!  Ah, yes you may have 1 or 2, but not more than that...we don't want moms mad because the kids won't eat lunch... I don't need that on my conscience!  okay, almost time to go.  I kneel between Bree and Jaiden.  Everyone join hands... time to pray our good bye prayer.  Natalie quick needs to pick up her chocolate easter eggs...we all wait... okay join hands.  Here we go.  Dear God, thank you so much for today that we got to learn about you, how you sent Jesus down from heaven to die on the cross for us.  Help us to be good listeners this week and bring us back safely together next week... *pause* .... "amen" ... favorite part of the day.  All my sweet babies joining me in saying "Amen" to close out our time together.  Love it.  Good bye for now Annika, Maci, Emily, Parker, Logan, Jaiden, Alexis, Taya, Freddy & Bree... And Natalie you come home with me... time for lunch!

Oh how I love them..