..on the search for rest and peace...

I am grateful
I am broken
I am torn
I am searching
I am aching, angry and sad
I am blessed
I am filled with joy
I am alone
I am surrounded
I am amazed
I am lost
I am confused
I am resentful
I am loved
I am daughter, friend and mother.
I am sinner
I am saved
I am tired
I am willing
I am being prepared
I am dissatisfied
I am grateful

Grateful.  I need to be here today.  My mind fights with this fact.  I AM grateful, but I am overwhelmed.  Over the past almost 3 months my life has been turned absolutely 100% upside-down.  After living (but not really living) - (for days and months that have turned into years), for a while now, I have finally opened myself up to the freedom of believing that I am worthy of life.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a Savior.  I am worthy.  No way around it.  Christ dying on the cross was for me.  It was for you... but it was for me too.  Most days there is an intense battle going on within the walls of my head.  The battle of good versus evil.  The battle of worth versus worthlessness.  The battle of joy versus bitterness.  This constant battle is exhausting.  Bring on to that battle, the responsibilities of motherhood, full time employment, meetings, appointments, etc.. and at the end of the day I am often left feeling empty and despondent, broken beyond repair, emotionless and SO unworthy of grace.  But on days like today when God places people, events and happenings in our path to unveil the truth that is right there in front of us all, the world slows (if but just for a minute) and I sit down, close my eyes, and begin that gratitude list.  It has been said that every morning, FIRST THING, I should thank God.  Thank Him for the roof over me, the pillow under my head, the clothes in my closet, the warm water from the faucet, the still forms of my children still asleep beneath their covers, and the list can go on.  Friends, this is before even letting our feet hit the floor.  It's pretty easy to say that I do this.. reality is, I don't.  Why? Why can't I remember to just say "thank you!" first thing?  I'm quite certain that our Father in heaven is worthy of that .. and SO much more.  We know this, right friends?  Why then is it so difficult to do this?  Why am I so self-centered, forgetful and rushed each morning that I can't even find a moment to let the words "thank you" slip through my lips?  I'll answer that.  It's because I'm human.  It's because I am FAR from perfect.  It's because God's grace is real and true and renewed every single day.  BUT, now that I've gone here, I'm going to try.  Try to do better.  Make it a goal.  Those 2 little words - thank you - in the early morning hours when my mind is just beginning to awake and my body is slowly trudging along behind my mind, I will say thank you.  Truth is, I probably will do it one time this week.  But, this life is all about progress.... not perfection.  Even if the progress is slow and barely even noticed, let's take that first tiny step anyway.  Friends, you are welcome to walk with me. 

..on the search for rest & peace.