...on being willing to be willing

Change is good.
Change can be fun.
Change is new experiences.
Change is meeting new people.
Change can be exciting.
Change is doing new things.
Change is changing thought patterns.
Change.
Change sucks.
Change is hard.
Change makes me want to cry.
Change makes me want to quit, give up and give in.

Being willing to change is the hardest part.  Before changing anything about ourselves, we have to be willing to make the change.  Lately I've been finding myself living in a world of wanting to change, but not being very willing AT ALL to do the work to make the change.  Don't we all have that once in a while?  I think probably so.  We can imagine and envision what the change would result in ... we can see what the benefits from the change would be... and yet...?  Personally, I ache for change.  I want it so badly, BUT I want it to be easy.  Like that "Easy" button?  Yeah, give me that! 
In my devotional today there is a sentence that says "You should try to stand aside and let God work through you" -- I think I need to stand aside and let Him work FOR me too.  He tells me that I am His own.  He tells me that He hears me when I call.  He says He wipes away my tears.  He tells me that He's right there beside me.  He says He'll carry me when I'm weak.  So why?  Why is it so hard to be willing to just let Him take the wheel?  Why does it seem so impossible to me as a human being, to fathom the depths and width and length of His love and grace for me?  Why, when it's all right there in front of me, does my heart scream in horror that I'm not worthy?  In this life we will have trouble and strife.  On this earth we will know love and life.  It is my choice how I respond to trouble, strife, love & life.  Heavenly Father, give me strength and willingness to allow you to work for and through me and to respond to your challenges with a positive attitude, clear head and thankful heart. 
Grant me the willingness to be willing.

..on the search for rest and peace...

I am grateful
I am broken
I am torn
I am searching
I am aching, angry and sad
I am blessed
I am filled with joy
I am alone
I am surrounded
I am amazed
I am lost
I am confused
I am resentful
I am loved
I am daughter, friend and mother.
I am sinner
I am saved
I am tired
I am willing
I am being prepared
I am dissatisfied
I am grateful

Grateful.  I need to be here today.  My mind fights with this fact.  I AM grateful, but I am overwhelmed.  Over the past almost 3 months my life has been turned absolutely 100% upside-down.  After living (but not really living) - (for days and months that have turned into years), for a while now, I have finally opened myself up to the freedom of believing that I am worthy of life.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a Savior.  I am worthy.  No way around it.  Christ dying on the cross was for me.  It was for you... but it was for me too.  Most days there is an intense battle going on within the walls of my head.  The battle of good versus evil.  The battle of worth versus worthlessness.  The battle of joy versus bitterness.  This constant battle is exhausting.  Bring on to that battle, the responsibilities of motherhood, full time employment, meetings, appointments, etc.. and at the end of the day I am often left feeling empty and despondent, broken beyond repair, emotionless and SO unworthy of grace.  But on days like today when God places people, events and happenings in our path to unveil the truth that is right there in front of us all, the world slows (if but just for a minute) and I sit down, close my eyes, and begin that gratitude list.  It has been said that every morning, FIRST THING, I should thank God.  Thank Him for the roof over me, the pillow under my head, the clothes in my closet, the warm water from the faucet, the still forms of my children still asleep beneath their covers, and the list can go on.  Friends, this is before even letting our feet hit the floor.  It's pretty easy to say that I do this.. reality is, I don't.  Why? Why can't I remember to just say "thank you!" first thing?  I'm quite certain that our Father in heaven is worthy of that .. and SO much more.  We know this, right friends?  Why then is it so difficult to do this?  Why am I so self-centered, forgetful and rushed each morning that I can't even find a moment to let the words "thank you" slip through my lips?  I'll answer that.  It's because I'm human.  It's because I am FAR from perfect.  It's because God's grace is real and true and renewed every single day.  BUT, now that I've gone here, I'm going to try.  Try to do better.  Make it a goal.  Those 2 little words - thank you - in the early morning hours when my mind is just beginning to awake and my body is slowly trudging along behind my mind, I will say thank you.  Truth is, I probably will do it one time this week.  But, this life is all about progress.... not perfection.  Even if the progress is slow and barely even noticed, let's take that first tiny step anyway.  Friends, you are welcome to walk with me. 

..on the search for rest & peace.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

I try to type but I have no words. The tears burn my eyes, in my throat there's a lump.  The heart in my chest sighs a sigh of regret.  My past weighs on me heavy, my mistakes reappear.  Today I feel so sad and unclear.  One day at a time, that's what they all say.  Let go and let God, seems easy to do.

I'd like to share my thoughts and my dreams.  I'd love to see happen, my goals and my schemes.  It seems as though I'm stuck in a rut.  Once there were words, now that door is shut? 
I want to feel peace.  I need to feel joy.  Tonight all I feel is fear & regret.

Signing off with a heavy heart. 

Sioux Center, Iowa. Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I hate you. Why must there be so many judgements? So much cruelty?  We all know that no one has the perfect life, relationships, kids.... So why pretend? Instead of pretending, wouldn't it be better to work together, ask for help, and build each other up to improve our lives in our community? My heart hurts tonight. Why bring your hostility out on my child? If, in fact, you don't like ME, that's a-okay. But to bring my child down because of her parents?  No. This is not okay. I will fight until my dying breath to teach my child to love. To have grace. To build UP instead of bring others down. What is the point of living if you are striving to reach perfection that is absolutely unattainable?  What disappointment and a lonely life this shall be. Please my Christian friends, remember that LOVE and GRACE are the two very most important things in life. Christ has continued to show both of these to all of us no matter our situation or number of mistakes we have made. I pray that our community may grow like fierce with these features. Until then, I myself will strive to do this myself. My friends. We can do this. Let's continue to encourage each other every day. Our children deserve this. Love my children as Jesus loves us all. Don't treat them like dirt. They are SO much more in my and God's eyes. The end.
Peace.

So today is Father's Day. My girls are currently with their daddy, so I am spending some time in thought about my own father and what this week means and holds for me and my siblings. There are 6 of us. Ben, Chris, me, Alicia, Alan and Caleb. This week is big for me. Probably big for all of us. Our beautiful mother is getting married. Our dad has been gone for 4 years and almost 3 months. As much as none of us want to forget that day and the days following, it is hard not to be incredibly happy and grateful for where our good God has brought our mum. She had worked hard all of her life. She has never stopped praying for us and we in turn have watched her go through an eternity of life in her years. I remember so clearly on the day of her mothers' funeral (my grandma Van Voorst) how the pages of the bible were blown open to the verse about being a virtuous woman... A woman who would share the very clothes from her back. A woman who loved, who lived, who prayed, and never forgot the great God from whom she was formed.
Today as I think back on the life of my father and the life of my new Stand-in "father" I must admit that I am blessed.  He loves my daughters like his very own. He loves my mom, makes her smile and accepts the rest of us crazy Van Der Brinks as his own. He does not judge. He hugs me tight. He kisses my cheek. He is hairy. He makes us laugh. We accept him just as he is. God made him just right for our mom at this moment in her life. And I wouldn't change a thing. Happy Father's Day dad. Happy Father's Day Ward. Welcome to our family and thank you for your love and acceptance.
Blessings to you this week as you marry my mom!

Somehow, some way, I must do this again. It's been a year and a half and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that this is essential for me. Even if it matters to no one. Even if it's just for me. This is something I must do.
I don't really know where to start and I don't think I want to but I know I need to.
Life. Hard. Confusing. Hurts. Anger. Self-pity.  Isolation. Depression. Addiction. Joy. Smiles. Love. Grace. Family. Friends. Jesus. Daughter. All of these describe me and my journey.
To say I've hurt a person or two in my life would be an understatement. But truly, what if, the people I've been hurt BY (in my mind) are members of that elite club as well?  I think I've been hurt by them but in all reality it was all my own doing?  It is so difficult to face up to the fact that I may be wrong, that all these years, what I've believed and how I've lived my life is wrong? How does a person deal with that?  I know im not all bad. I have gifts and talents just like the next person. But what happens when a person doesn't believe in his or her gifts? What's the point of them then? Does God "waste" these things on people who won't use them?  The questions in my mind lately are almost overwhelming. No, not almost... They ARE overwhelming. Where do I go from here? What are the plans for my future. I currently have doors opening like crazy in my life but I am so deathly afraid of plunging in that all I want to do is forget. It's just easier to float through life without having stress and hurt. Where oh where do I get the courage to go on from? If only there was an easy answer for that one. My mind is a whirlwind of insanity and timidity. What do I deserve? From my outlook, at least, I deserve absolutely nothing. I deserve the hell I've been living in. I deserve for my friends and family to desert me. I don't deserve grace and understanding. I am nothing. But, on second thought, I DO deserve everything. I deserve the love of a Father. He told me so Himself in His word. He has told me over and over again that I AM worthy. I AM loved. I DO deserve to be His princess. I DO deserve to be loved by Him.  And yet, I continue to doubt that. Over and over again He has told me of His great love for me... his great desire to walk with me through this journey of life and yet I continue to doubt. What an aching heart I have today. To be caught in this "in-between" place of knowing what's real and true and yet wanting so badly to prove myself RIGHT and believe that I really am NOT worth it.
Friends, life is not easy. Not even a little bit. BUT I DO believe that God has His eyes on you and me every single second of our lives. He is good. He is love. He is grace. He WILL continue to love us even when it seems impossible. He desires for us to look to Him in the dreadfully ugly times but also the good times. He is SO right and SO good.
Peace.
Michelle

Beauty in the Broken

From the world's view something "broken" has a certain "ugliness" to it. But God can turn such ugliness into great beauty. Today, I saw a tree ripped up from its roots dragging its branches into a rushing river and out of those dead, broken branches is springing life. Beautiful, brand new branches growing tiny green leaves.God offers us many promises. I believe that this beautiful new life growing from the ugly brokeness of an old dying tree is promise that beauty can lie within the most broken ugly people as well. Me, for example, once I was dead in my sin and even had given up on searching to find HIM to ask for help, being numb with pain and all alone and yet through that darkness and deadness of my life new, beautiful purpose rises. A purpose that leads a broken dying life to a life in Christ. One that reaches out into the darkness, grabs a falling, pitiful hand and holds on with a strength that can only be God's.