I'm kind of in the mood for some rambling.  It's time anyway, don't you think?  It's been over a week and what a lot of ramblings have filled my mind.  From my dad, to my girls, to new beginnings, to graduations, to work, to balloons... oh my oh my.  I'm just gonna dive right in... this may be all out of order but I will write as I think... in non-chronological order :)  My week so far (haha.. and it's only Monday!!) has actually been filled with sunlight and laughter.  My sweet kiddos from Sunday School as we said good bye to this season of Sunday School...what a crazy morning that was... I'll tell you this right now... I sweated :)  It started on Saturday when I decided (brilliantly, I might add) to blow up 30 balloons with my little portable helium tank and have them all ready to go for Sunday morning...we were going to release balloons to tell the kids to let their light (balloon) shine for Jesus all summer long...  great idea?  Absolutely!.... until my 30 helium balloons lay forlornly on the floor on Sunday morning...they were no longer floating...boooooo!  I suppose I can just say that now I know what to do the next time.... wait until Sunday morning to blow up the balloons!!  Anyway, sweet Miss Kari ran to Hy-Vee and replaced my limp balloons with super heliumized (good word, eh? :) balloons.. the day was saved!  As we said good-bye for the last time before summer, their sweet faces, goodbyes and thank-you's were enough to make every moment of teaching them totally worth it.  After church the girls and I went home... for lunch.. or should I say we made it into the driveway to make ourselves some lunch when suddenly we all realized that we REALLY wanted Pizza Ranch for lunch.... yum... what can I say.. I worked there for nearly 8 years and I seriously could STILL eat there everyday... oh the concoctions we came up with.. one of my favorites is still to this day Garlic Chz bread with pineapple & green olives... oh oh yummm... or Saturday mornings with a large cheesy gooey garlicy buttery pizza with pepperoni and parmesan sprinkled on top.... dipped in ranch dressing..... ugggggggggh... how I miss that!!  Haha, that was a little random.  Apparently I'm hungry which is where my mind went.  Figures :)  ... ANYWAY, we did go to Pizza Ranch for lunch on Sunday... then naps .. oh yes, very healthy, I know.. but the girls and I did some active stuff later :) .. we decided to drive out to Oak Grove and have a picnic supper and check out the river.  It was cool.  The weather was perfect... our picnic was delicious, the girls' faces were happy, I caught the tiniest baby catfish I've ever seen in the entire world...AND he completely swallowed my hook... let's just say I'm sure there is a puny dead little cat fish being whisked down the river at this very moment.  It was simply a relaxing and fun night.
What else has happened.. hmm, let's see.. oh, my smallish brother Caleb graduated from High School last week.  That was interesting.  I remember the day that kid was born... us kids got to choose between Ryan & Caleb for his first name... sheesh, where does the time go??  I'm glad I get to be a part of this kid's life.  He is unique... I love him quite a lot :)  anyway, that evening actually was a little tough to get through.  It was a time when I really wished my dad could be there to see his youngest son graduate with honors...to see the entire row full of his family.. a few tears may have been shed... it was just a little bit bittersweet.
Ooo, I just thought of something else that I totally enjoyed last week.  Mexican for lunch TWO times...  same item of food each time?  ABSOLUTELY.  Seriously I can't get sick of the Quesadilla Fajita .. I am quite positive that I could eat it every day... well maybe not everyday.. but like every other or something like that. :)  anyway, Monday I had lunch with a friend .. always good!  And Friday lunch with my mentor/friend.. always refreshing! .. Lately it's been feeling so good to laugh that I've been seeming to find myself searching for moments and places that I know I can laugh...it feels so much better than the sad and angry places that I've been stuck in for so long..  Trust me.. there are those days, but the good ones are coming too.  In fact, tonight was a good one.  Day went fast at work... those days are always good.  Made a yummy parmesan chicken spaghetti for supper then we headed to the park.  Push me mommy!  Watch this mommy! .. my back was hurting but their happy squeals erased the pain.  Natalie, tell me 2 words that start with the letter "N" ... "Aidyn!!" .. hmm, looks like we need to work on that a bit... no worries, Bethany helped her out.. :)  My kindergartner is graduating on Wednesday.  I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about this... I could be sad because my baby girl is growing up... I could also be happy because I have a healthy beautiful brilliant daughter that is learning so much that it almost blows my mind.  I am so proud of this kid.  She has learned and grown this year more than I can even begin to describe.  Sheesh!  I love her! Anyway, we're finished at one park so we make a stop at the cemetery to tell grandpa what's going on in our lives.  Bethany tells him about kindergarten graduations, Natalie says she misses sitting on grandpa's lap.  I say I miss his whiskers.  How it tickled your face when he gave you a hug & kiss....  I pointed out to Bethany that from where Grandpa is, he should be able to see her playing in the playground at school.  She thought that was cool.  We talked about the years on the stone, what they represented, then we walked down to see baby Leah too.  Bethany, full of drama, sighs sorrowfully and says oh how I miss you Leah... a little cute humor for me to giggle about later :)  She means well, I know, but sometimes when she starts her "announcements/speeches" there is usually a deep mournful sigh, or a fake happy "what-evs", or a lilting giggle... to begin the dramatic speech she will be producing... she is definitely my actress... she loves acting and dancing .. not like ballet, but like Rocky & CeCe on Shake It Up Chicago.. seriously, she's got some of their moves DOWN!
Okay, so back to the rest of tonight. After we left the cemetery (after I went into great detail of what Memorial Day is... Bethany didn't know :) we made one last pit stop at a different park.  Well worth it.  We layed on our backs and found "things" in the clouds.  One girl on each side of me with their head resting on my arms.. tucked in close to my side. BEST 10 minutes of the day.  Pushes on the swings, giggles from the girls.. time to go home for showers and bed.  Okay mommy... they're getting sleepy.  These 2 little girls are the sunshine of my life.
That's all for now.
Peace.

Here I am... I knew this was coming.  All day I've been KNOWING that I have to get to this tonight.  So many thoughts and memories..so much love and grace.  It's actually been a pretty awesome week.  And when I say awesome I mean like spiritually and emotionally awesome.  Healing is a good word for me this week.  I'd say my spirit is healing.  I'm doing good.  I'm not sad or angry every minute of the day anymore.  I feel more love and peace than I have in a long time.
First of all, Happy Mother's Day to every mom who reads this.  Being a mother is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I've ever had to do in my life.  It's what I've always wanted... to be a mom... and some days I remember that and some days I don't.  It's so easy to get frustrated and crazy when you have kids.  They do things wrong, they do things right... you never know what's going to happen...ever.  But at the end of the day when you hear their sweet voices saying I love you mommy... you're the best mom I could ever get, there's not a whole lot that is more rewarding than that right there.  I have been extremely blessed this weekend.  From flowers from Bethany to a Serenity Fountain from them both and loving every second of seeing their happy beautiful faces.. whether it be playing with their cousins or riding their bikes... those faces.. their happy loving spirits... gives me the happiest heart imaginable...
Okay, on with my week.. Monday.. was again a Monday. I did get to meet with a friend to chat and you know how that always seems to refresh the spirit a bit...  Tuesday was fine.. meeting at night with my favorite girls.  I did have to be honest about really not feeling like being there... of course I was grateful I had been there afterwards.. always so good for me to be real and share with people I know I can trust.  Good stuff.  Wednesday, was Wednesday.  There were high and low points throughout my day...  like normal.
Thursday was a day.. I desperately needed some encouragement... Get it?  Got it. :)  The funny thing is is when I need something I tend to back away from the very thing I need.  I knew right away in the morning as I was leaving for work that I needed to text my friend/mentor and meet for a lunch date.  Did I?  Nope, of course not.  By lunch time my spirit was definitely in need of some refreshment.  My attitude had turned to crap and my mood was totally negative.  I needed someone/thing to rescue me from the pit of self pity...Get it?  Got it. :)  God places those people in your life who are there for you at the exact moment they are needed.  Those people amaze me.  The selflessness, love and grace they are capable of is beyond measure.  Thank you God.  Well, my attitude turned a little brighter and after Harp & Bowl later that night it was fully restored.  Awesome.
Friday was good.  I worked only part of the day and then was able to go with my brother, sister and sister in law to my mom's graduation from NCC's nursing program.  This woman.. she amazes me.  She is doing what she loves and will be one of the best nurses in the system... just saying. :)  So as my brother Caleb fell asleep during the looooooong speeches and my sister, well, we'll just say she kept me entertained... I loved every minute of being there to be proud of my mom.  In the evening we met with family to celebrate her graduation.  It felt good to be surrounded by people you know love and care for you... and you get to love and care right back..  Well by the end of the evening my girls and their cousins had devised a plan to have sleepovers... again.  Bethany goes with Kaylen and Kierra comes with Natalie.  Pretty sure it worked out in their favor! :)  Kierra and Natalie home with me and Bethany and Kaylen to my sisters.  They went to bed fine but decided that a 7 AM wake up call for me would be divine.  Oh yes, 7:00 on a Saturday... that's usually not okay with me but I got up and let me just say this... my house is super duper clean... whoot whoot!! :)  The girls played outside the entire day with only a few small spats to be fixed... and by the time Miss Bethany came home from Alicia's, both girls were completely beat.  Baths and bedtime.  Cozy bugs, sweet kisses and good night mommy's.... good day!!  Today was beautiful.  Showered and ready before the girls woke up... church was awesome... good music.. happy heart.  Sunday school with my sweet munchkins.  Have I said how much I love those kids??  My heart melts every time I see them... every single one.  After church we headed out to Sandy Hollow to enjoy a BEAUTIFUL day with family celebrating the one who gave us birth.  A yummy lunch, a little softball, lots of laughs, some fishing with my nieces and nephews... showering off the girls after they decided swimming in the pond would be a good idea.  They had a blast but sometimes I think my girls could be boys... for as dirty as my Bethany loves to get... it blows my mind!  Naps, cuddle time, a chat with a friend, bike rides and giggles.  Bath time and jammies... bedtime snack and kisses.  Let's just say it was another good day.
Peace.

Ever have one of those weeks where you want to get your thoughts typed out but at the same time you TOTALLY don't?  I suppose not many have this problem... but I certainly did this past week.  So many times throughout the week I would think, Man, I've got to sit down and process some of these thoughts...and then I find something else to do...It was a busy week, I'll give myself that, but I simply couldn't make myself do it.  There are so many things I want to say, but it's not time...I push my thoughts to the back of my mind and save them for later...that's what i've always done...but I really am tired of doing that..because after stalling and shying away from so many things for so long they build into this dark heavy wall and cloud my vision... hmm, looks like a new goal again:  talk, write, blog...whatever, I gotta do it or the wall is up.
So onward, like I said earlier, I really did have a busy week.  I could have had plans for every single night of the week except for Wednesday, but I had to pick and choose.  Monday, the first day of the week... ugggh, I remember waking up and thinking, 'crap, it's Monday again' ... that was quite possibly my first mistake of the day.  I always find it so hard to turn a crappy attitude around.  I hate every second of that crappy attitude and yet I can't get out.  Things seems to just creep out of the corners and attack from every angle.  Of course I have moments of complete peace and surrender throughout the day as God shows his love through people.  All in all, I'm pretty sure Monday ended being a pretty awesome day after all.  I was offered a gift by an amazing friend... I got to chat with my sister, I got to watch my childhood corn crib get burned down..I have to admit though on that one (I'm actually a little embarrassed about it now) that I may have cried a little bit.  I just had memories of climbing up in the rafters with my brothers, getting freaked out by rats, the many scoops of oats it took to fill the oat seeder wagon.  In fact I think I got the name "corn-cheller" from some of the corn cobs in that crib.  I don't know why, but I liked popping off all the kernels of the corn cobs... one by one.. I was shelling corn (apparently) so thus the name Corn-cheller.. it really doesn't matter now of course :) ... but I didn't like being called that.  Anyway, as I watched the smoke seep from the roof of the building many memories flooded my mind.  I'm glad I went out (with the girls :) to watch it. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have thought of those memories.. fun stuff.
Tuesday night I had my meeting with my "girls" :) .. always good, always yummy food :)
Wednesday.. okay day.. once again should've put my thoughts down then, but didn't :(
Thursday.. usually one of my best days... not awesome.  Struggled again throughout the day with attitude and being okay with where I'm at right now.  In the evening I had Harp & Bowl.. and BOY, did I need it!  My attitude from the week was pulling me down into the trap of self-pity and anger... I needed a break.  I needed to clear my head and hear once again how God loves us so crazy much that He allowed His Son to die on the cross for us.. so we can one day hang out in heaven and sing and dance and we'll know every aspect of His glory.  That's such a cool thought.  When I got there I worried of course if I was at the right place.. I knew what I wanted, but had my attitude been so bad all week, that I wouldn't GET it?  Silly girl!  I got exactly what I needed.  Encouragement, love, prayers and hugs.  I need to stop doubting things like that.  Every time I've needed God to show up He has... Whenever I needed to hear a word, it's there.  Pretty awesome.. true story?  yep!
Friday was interesting.  Bit of a busy day at work and then the afternoon storm that scared that be-joobers out of me.  I don't think I've ever been as nervous about a storm as I was about that one.  Not for me... for my girls.  I hated not being with them.  I wanted to know they were safe.  Phone calls made... nervous hearts calming ... finally relax and enjoy the storm .. have I mentioned I love storms?  I really think I should be a storm chaser.  If I could, I would drive out in the country and watch the storm roll in and then as soon as it started raining and I couldn't see the sky anymore, I drive like a mad-woman back to the safety of my house... that would be ideal for me... Probably won't happen any time soon, but I can always imagine :)  Friday night was fun.  I went to the Atlas Auction (my very first REAL auction ever) .. and I must say, this could be something quite dangerous for me... It was pretty fun to stick my number in the air and try to keep track of what the auctioneer was trying to say... I've never really gotten that.. it's kinda cool I guess, but can't you just say the number and point at the person?... without all the other words & noises that go along with it?  Funny.  Anyway, it was a great time... 
Saturday was cleaning and grocery day at our house.  Before getting groceries we drove out "the farm" (where I grew up) and helped (a little tiny bit :) with picking up branches from Friday's storm.  There were lots of big trees and branches down... My favorite part of that was seeing my sweet little Natalie sitting beside her Uncle Chris smiling the biggest smile ever, riding in the tractor.. super happy heart... then of course it was time to coerce the girls into going home...they were having so terribly much fun playing with their cousin that it was almost impossible to get them to leave!  But eventually we did make the drive home.  Groceries gotten, movie picked out, two little girls begging for a sleepover.  Can you call Lisha and see if Kierra can come for a sleepover?  Pleeeeease mommy, please?  Hmm, this could work out.. pizza (free, I might add :) movie, little girls' giggles.. winding up to be a great day!  It was a late one since they were a little over stimulated from a fun bath and playing dress up, but it was fun.
Today.. man I can't believe I'm finally up to today... I feel like I've been at this post forever!  Today was good.  Today was pretty much wonderful.  Sunday school this morning with my sweet little people.  A few were missing and we certainly missed them, but we had a little group of friends that made me smile and a few times say "WOW!"... Hearing their little voices singing "Jesus Loves Me" absolutely 100% melts my heart.  I love it.  After church the girls and I had to bring miss Kierra back home, so we did a little lunch time cousin time.  Burgers, cheesy potatoes & corn.. easy and yummy.. then the girls wanted soooo badly to jump on their cousins' new trampoline... in their swim suits, with an ice cold hose spilling out water onto the mat of the tramp....every bounce made icy water drops leap into the air and land on little girl skin...and they loved every minute of it.  The giggles, squeals and laughter was worth it all.  Again, it's time to go and guess who doesn't want to leave.  Uggggh, I know these kids love each other but man!!.. there's gotta be an end to playtime at some point, right?  Finally dried off and back in their clothes.. head home for a short nap.  5:00.. in need of some God time... have the girls play at the neighbors.. head to church..  Good message, Good music, Good people.. perfect way to end the weekend.  Come home, hugs, kisses, good night mommy's, I love you's...Perfect..
Peace.