Somehow, some way, I must do this again. It's been a year and a half and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that this is essential for me. Even if it matters to no one. Even if it's just for me. This is something I must do.
I don't really know where to start and I don't think I want to but I know I need to.
Life. Hard. Confusing. Hurts. Anger. Self-pity.  Isolation. Depression. Addiction. Joy. Smiles. Love. Grace. Family. Friends. Jesus. Daughter. All of these describe me and my journey.
To say I've hurt a person or two in my life would be an understatement. But truly, what if, the people I've been hurt BY (in my mind) are members of that elite club as well?  I think I've been hurt by them but in all reality it was all my own doing?  It is so difficult to face up to the fact that I may be wrong, that all these years, what I've believed and how I've lived my life is wrong? How does a person deal with that?  I know im not all bad. I have gifts and talents just like the next person. But what happens when a person doesn't believe in his or her gifts? What's the point of them then? Does God "waste" these things on people who won't use them?  The questions in my mind lately are almost overwhelming. No, not almost... They ARE overwhelming. Where do I go from here? What are the plans for my future. I currently have doors opening like crazy in my life but I am so deathly afraid of plunging in that all I want to do is forget. It's just easier to float through life without having stress and hurt. Where oh where do I get the courage to go on from? If only there was an easy answer for that one. My mind is a whirlwind of insanity and timidity. What do I deserve? From my outlook, at least, I deserve absolutely nothing. I deserve the hell I've been living in. I deserve for my friends and family to desert me. I don't deserve grace and understanding. I am nothing. But, on second thought, I DO deserve everything. I deserve the love of a Father. He told me so Himself in His word. He has told me over and over again that I AM worthy. I AM loved. I DO deserve to be His princess. I DO deserve to be loved by Him.  And yet, I continue to doubt that. Over and over again He has told me of His great love for me... his great desire to walk with me through this journey of life and yet I continue to doubt. What an aching heart I have today. To be caught in this "in-between" place of knowing what's real and true and yet wanting so badly to prove myself RIGHT and believe that I really am NOT worth it.
Friends, life is not easy. Not even a little bit. BUT I DO believe that God has His eyes on you and me every single second of our lives. He is good. He is love. He is grace. He WILL continue to love us even when it seems impossible. He desires for us to look to Him in the dreadfully ugly times but also the good times. He is SO right and SO good.
Peace.
Michelle