I almost feel nervous coming back here.  It's been so long.. booooo.  Honestly I've been putting it off purposely because I don't know what to say.  Life as I knew it is changing.  That's where I hesitate.  What more do I say?  How do I feel?  Do I spill my guts?  When I first started this thing it was for me.  Me only.  Now it feels like the world can see me..that scares me. It makes me feel like I'm setting myself up for failure... the more who see the real me the higher the risk of someone ELSE watching me fail.  Now why do I think that way?  It shouldn't matter, right?  It DOESN'T matter, right?  I'm okay just as I am.  I am a princess of the King.  The words are on this page don't make me right or wrong...they make me me.  Okay, it seems as though I just talked myself into it.  nice.

Russ & I are separated.  There, my heart is pounding in my chest even as I type the words...I don't like the words.  The words hurt.  But it is the truth.  That's all.  I just needed the words there.

Tonight the girls are with their dad.  I have the house to myself for a few hours.  It is quiet.  I have the windows open with a cool breeze coming in..the sound of crickets chirps, cars driving by, someone mowing their lawn near by... makes it seem loud but it's quiet.  Quiet of little girls giggles, singing & dancing... quiet of little girl squabbles and screeches.. I miss them when they're not here.  Their sweet faces and joyful eyes.  Their "I love you momma's" & kisses.

Okay, funny story... so this past weekend was Summer Celebration and the girls and I had probably too much fun... but SO worth it.... anyway, we were setting out our chairs for the parade that comes past our house and I was telling Natalie that my friend Kim was going to come with Joshua & Maddie and that Maddie's mommy had 2 babies in her tummy.  I went on to ask her how many kids they would have after the 2 new babies came.... she sat back on her haunches, puts her finger to her chin, looks up at the sky and very seriously says "NINETEEN"..... hahahaha, out of nowhere she pulled the number nineteen... I couldn't help my laughing... it was too cute.  But apparently math is another thing I need to work on with her.

You should see my girls.  The little farts have their dad's dark skin so every time they see the sun they turn into little bronze beauties.  It is kind of nice that I never have to worry about them getting sunburned... but it also makes me not want to put any sunscreen on myself... and what happens to my skin?  It gets scorched.  And then it hurts and you can't sleep and oh my goodness... who woulda thought that sunburn could make you WANT to take an ice cold shower!!  Ugggh!  But that's not usually all, after the pain wears off then it looks great for a day or 2 and soon after little wisps of skin trail after you until every bit of sunburned skin is worn off.. awesome.