I wish my words could speak themselves. I wish my heart would not hurt. I hope and pray tonight that God holds my dear amazing beautiful sweet cousin Carmen in His big strong arms. Lord, hold her hurting heart in your hand. Tonight as I made the 40 minute drive to Sanborn, IA, my tears fell freely.  I was terrified of this meeting.  Afraid that she wasn't the same.  Scared that I would show I was scared. Afraid she wouldn't know how much I love her and am so incredibly proud of her. I walked in the house and saw this beautiful woman with deep brown eyes and a dusting of dark hair on her "oh so cute" head :) and I knew it was going to be okay. This girl has touched so so many in her 34 years.  Her honesty. Her love for her children. Her will to fight and move forward. I see messages to her on facebook and am literally speechless at the number of people she has met and impacted. I'm a jealous girl, so I think to myself that no one could be so blessed by one person being in their life as I am.  I love her the most.  I'm going to miss her the most. And I find I must admit that I am not going to miss her the most.  Her mom, her dad, her brother, Cody, Connor, Mya and Caleb, these people who have known her their whole entire lives.  How much she has impacted them? My heart is devastated to know I have to say goodbye.  But who else has to say goodbye? Her mom, dad, brother, kids.  It doesn't seem right.  I don't get it.  I can't begin to try to fathom the reason behind this.  But, good news. I'm not in charge.  I don't need to see the reason.  I don't get to make the decision.  But I do get to trust.  I get to put my entire heart and faith in the palm of my Father's hand and say, okay, Lord, this sucks... completely, but I get it.  You're bigger than all of us put together.  You are loving and gracious.  You forgive us even when we don't deserve it. You need Carmen. She needs angel wings and a spot on your lap.  You get to give her those things.  I am so excited for her to meet you (I'm sorry if that sounds weird).  You are going to love her up so much.  She gets to worship you and meet you and sing praises to you at the top of her lungs with her hands stretched out to you.  No one to judge her, no one to tell her she's doing it wrong. Just You looking at her with the most loving eyes and telling her that she belongs.  Telling her that You will be with her beautiful babies.  You will watch over them and fill that empty, aching hole in their hearts.  Lord, if a miracle is not Your will, then bless her, show her your glory. Touch her with your Spirit.
I love you Carmen.
Peace.