Can anyone say sucky day?  I can I can.  Wow, there are some days that God is really trying to tell me something big and when you're me, you fight as hard as you can to ignore it.  Not that I plan on doing that but there's something inside of me that says "NO! I can do this on my own, I can fix this, I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone!!"  and at the same time my heart is yearning for love, acceptance and forgiveness.  Why oh why do I let myself get here? My heart feels empty.  I can't even get myself to enjoy the things in life that give me real pleasure.  I don't want pity.  I want for it all to just be "fixed".  Satan keeps running around inside my head telling me that I'm so not worth it. And you know what I do?? I believe that little snake.  I get into this miserable slump that I can't get out of and believe every single lie that I'm told... doesn't matter by who...I just believe it.  I'm not good at being a mom, I'm not good at being a wife, I'm not good at my job, I'm not good at being a friend, a sister, a daughter... I take every little thing I hear personally and I allow it to stab my heart.  I allow that wound to stay, I don't want it to heal.  I know misery personally, so why not just keep it around?  Why not make everyone around me miserable too... that way I don't have to be alone in misery.  Where am I?  where is the real Michelle?  She feels so lost and distant to me today. I even spent time in the "throne" room today (inside secret :)... hoping and praying that my day would just turn around.... and instead it just got worse. Nothing could make me happy.  all I wanted was for someone to say "you know what?, you're going to be okay, you're going to get through this, you are not alone...." and pssssha, I actually DID have that... several times from more than one person... and yet, that's not what I hold on to..I hold on to the CRAP that makes me feel bad instead.  My mind is my own personal devil.  Lord, please fill my mind and heart with YOUR love and spirit instead of this ugly snake that drags me down.
Peace.