Fortunately or unfortunately I'm back.  I'm stuck right now.  Stuck between being who I need to be and what I'm expected to be.  Uggggh, what a frustrating couple of days.  Lost in the world, trying to keep track of and please everyone around me.  Why oh why do I do this?  I can get lost so quickly.  My mind tells me over and over to do what they say, do what he says, do what she says.. but what about me?  What about how I feel?  What about where my mind is?  Am I good person or a bad person?  I hear both sides.  Encouragement from people who have no reason to be there except that they care..., "I need to change this and that and that" from the other side.  Who am I?  Who am I supposed to be?  Where am I supposed to be?  Questions that quickly flee my mind because they terrify me.  I tiptoe around those questions, I don't know if I don't dare to figure them out or I simply don't know. 
Wow, that was deep.  Sorry, I kind of got in the zone there for a bit... so anyway, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself because of the past not so awesome days, but instead, pick myself up again and keep walking forward. -- just figured something out... that top paragraph was just ended abruptly... anyone notice that?  I didn't even dare to go further than ask myself those questions.  I run in my mind so fast away from those questions.  Why am I so afraid of them?  Hmmm, I think it's because I don't have enough faith in myself to see to it that I answer them.  If I don't ever answer those questions then nothing has to change.  I dread and fear and loathe change.  I am so so bad at change that it makes me ill when I think about it.  I don't dare to look ahead to the future.  It scares me.  I'm afraid for my beautiful daughters.  All the hate, sadness and judging... so much has already changed...and it's been dragging me along.  I fight it, I want it to go away.  I want normal....okay so that's something I need to work on then, huh?  Alright, new goal:  learn to be okay with change.  I wonder when I will be able to check that off my list?  Certainly not this past weekend... man I can freak out so fast.  So we had Natalie's birthday party on Saturday night in Sioux Falls.  We took her and a few of her sweet sweet little friends to Chuck E Cheese.  We met some of my family, nieces, nephews, a friend or 2 there around 5:00.  Okay, so I figured I would probably get a little stressed out looking out for a 3 year old and two 4 year olds.. but it actually went pretty well at Chuck E Cheese.  We had a blast and so did the kids... then at 7:00 we were to meet at Pizza Ranch on 41st St in a party room for supper... Sounds awesome right?  We get to Pizza Ranch and there's a line of people out the door.  Hmm, okay, stand in line for a bit, see if I can figure out what's going on...well, maybe since we have a Party Room I can just skip up to the front of the line and check....so I did, all the while forgetting to communicate what I'm doing...ooops.  Ask the girl.."can we go to the Party Room..." for who?  should be under Huisman.  No?  Hmm, that's odd.  I'm sweating.  Seriously?  I've got a bunch of starving little people here!!  Get the manager... oh, let me look in the OTHER party book... really?  REALLY? Uggggh, wait for him to walk back to get the book and walk back to the front..hmm, was it under "Natalie's birthday party?"... Aggggh, YES!  Phew!!  Okay, so back in line... it took an eternity!!  I'm stressing a bit.  Still sweating.  Finally we get the meals paid for and we head to the Party Room.  I'm frazzled, I'm hot, I kind of just want to go home....but the kids are having so much fun.  Their smiles and giggles and squeals were enough for me to wipe off frazzled face and smile instead.  I don't really think I did all that awesome of a job at it, but I did try.  Presents opened, candles blown out, blue frosting face, yawns beginning to start.  Get packed up.  Fasten in our cute sweet still very excited passengers...  On the interstate, 2 minutes...mommy, Kendra is sleeping... 2 minutes.  It was AMAZING...  Sure enough Kendra was out like a light.  Aidyn and Natalie are still giggling in the middle... "let's pretend we're going to sleep!" ... fake snores .. 30 seconds.....  REAL SNORES... Seriously not more than 5 minutes out of SF Aidyn was out too.. It was too cute.  We had really wiped them out!  Awesome!! At least I knew they had had fun.  That's all I cared about...
Okay, so wow, this is getting long and I'm getting tired.  I guess I can figure more out tomorrow.  I get a special visit to a special friend tomorrow and she always gets me thinking, so who knows what I might have tomorrow... suspense right? :)